Friday, 7 May 2010

Top 10 People I'd Like to Slap with a Wet Trout

Due to a combination of writers block and possibly deeply rooted psychological issues regarding the combination of aquatic creatures with violence here’s something a little different, the top 10 people I’d love to slap with a wet trout.

#10 – Katie Price
Assuming the fish is long enough to reach over to her face. I almost question as to whether the breasts are actually some bizarre form of satire, at least that way I’d have some faith restored into humanity. Then there’s her and Peter having all them damn shows on ITV2 about their wonderful life together only to lead into a split-up that even John Edward could have seen coming. Also, am I the only one that gets the impression Peter was at home looking after the kids while she was out sleeping with anything with a pulse?

#9 – Charley from Big Brother 8
Do I even need a reason? I’m not being funny but she is possibly the most obnoxious, nasty, harsh, argumentative all around slut to ever be on reality TV, and that’s saying something. I don’t think there’s a single housemate she didn’t have at least one altercation with, oh, and did I mention she’s stupid?

#8 – Al Murray
Now as you know if you read my political correctness article jokes are fair game and shouldn’t be classed as offensive, but there’s one thing jokes should be and that’s where Al Murray fails: funny. I never found the whole “France sucks, Britain is great” thing funny to begin with, when you repeat this routine every Saturday evening coupled with the McFly version of Don’t Stop Me Now you are using the word “entertainment” very loosely, I might change the rules and slap him a System of a Down CD instead...

#7 – Amanda Holden
Three reasons. Number 1: Not everything under the age of 16 is “cute”, Number 2: Stop flailing your hands like the fish I’m about to slap you with every time anyone with abs takes their top off. Number 3: Stop crying every time someone from either of the above two aforementioned categories does something other than take breath.

#6 – Otis from Dead Rising
Stop calling me, seriously.

#5 – Shiguru Miyamoto
I’ve never really settled on one games company, always flitting between Sony and Nintendo over the past 13+ years so I guess in some ways I should be thanking him because he finalised my decision. I loved the Gamecube, as unsuccessful as it was but with games like Wind Waker, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door and Pikmin how could I not like it? The Wii came along and I was stoked, imagine all those great quirky games from the GC on the Wii but with nicer graphics and great motion control. Unfortunately, nearly 4 years down the line, I’m still left doing just that, imagining. Paper Mario was murdered, all Pikmin has seen is a couple of ports and him teasing us a couple of times with a Pikmin 3 but no news yet, at all, well, other than its existence and then the true sequels to wind Waker where... meh. Everything I loved about Nintendo is slowly fading away, bring back the quirks and stop selling out.

#4 – Peter Kay
10 years ago this guy was the newest comedian on the block with his jokes that everyone can identify with, observational humour and stories about his Mum that anyone can apply to their lives and take enjoyment and laugh because it’s all funny “because it’s true”. Now we are in 2010 and yeah... He’s no longer new, and nor is his content. New jokes or feel the wrath of my fish slap, kthx.

#3 – Piers Morgan
Everyone’s favourite journalist, Britain’s Got Talent judge and professional narcissist. If this guy’s ego was any bigger he’d have to actually have to declare it as a separate continent and then he’d probably only let people in if they paid a “Piers is awesome tax”. He just sits there on the panel of talent criticising everyone claiming he “could do that”. Really Piers? Do us all a favour and try it, with a bit of luck you’ll slip and land crotch first on to an active chainsaw, that’s on fire.

#2 – Noel Edmunds
No real reason for this guy other than the fact I don’t really like his face. Just to feel the satisfaction of removing that undeserved smugness from his face with an accelerating pre-moistened fish would be immensely satisfying.

#1 – Nick Griffin
You may have seen this coming and I can’t be the only one that feels this way but this man is just plain... creepy. I mean, even if you put the bigotry aside, just look at the man. He could save kittens from the violin factory for a living and he’d still look sinister. Imagine waking up at 4am just to see Mr. Griffin at the edge of your bed, with that smile of his... It’s not a pleasant thought, on second thoughts he looks like the kind of guy that would enjoy being slapped with a trout, probably while wearing the skin of a recently sacrificed virgin and reciting Hitler speeches.

1 comment:

Gamez Goddess said...

Nice list, but surely Jamie Oliver should be somewhere on that, and one of the pricks from Westlife. :P